The King Falls Gazette

Monday, March 28, 2016

Tim Jensen's First Public Interview This Week!

By Duff Dillinger

Newly earthbound news sensation, Tim Jensen will be having his first public interview since his return this week on The Sammy & Ben Show, stated the semi-popular talk radio hosts last night.

Tim Jensen has been the talk of the town since his disappearance live on-air almost a year ago, and the dynamic duo have kept him in the public eye with an outpouring of assistance geared towards his wife and kids.

"I couldn't be happier that Tim Jensen is back in King Falls where he belongs" boasted Mayor Grisham at a re-election event yesterday at Nolan's Drugstore. "Let's all just give him the privacy that I'm sure he wants. Tim will speak when he feels it's time and just so he and Mary know, the Mayor's office always has the door open for them."

While speculation has run rampant the past ten months Tim has been gone, those closest to the Jensen family are keeping tight-lipped about his experiences, whatever they may be.

A call into Ben Arnold at 660AM reiterated that the interview will be taking place, "It's very true, we'll be airing a live interview from the Jensen Residence later this week. We put a call into Mary to let them know we were thrilled Tim had been found and returned and Tim hopped on the phone and scheduled this himself!"

While there are many stories about where Tim Jensen has been the last year, the only person who can truly answer that is staying mum, at least to all outlets except King Falls AM. Stay tuned to 660 on the AM dial to hear, what will surely be, the biggest interview of the year.

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Friday, March 11, 2016

The Weekend Report: Rainbow Lights and Brony Nights

by Phillip Rodriguez

Look up into the sky, King Falls. You really don't have to, but let me tell you what you're gonna see tonight: instead of the beautiful stars, twinkling down on our picture-esque mountain town, you're gonna see those damn rainbow lights again.

We are now pushing into the second week of our visiting flying friends (we hope), shining their technicolor evil all over town. With no end in sight, this reporter wonders when will it all end. The sleepless nights, the funky-hued days, the constant weird buzzing if you get too close to them?

The whispers in the town are growing; why are the lights back, are they accountable for the newly found body at Lake Hatchenaw, are they accountable for the old found body at Lake Hatchenaw during the 55th Annual Bass Tournament, and most important, why are they here and who pissed them off?

With Tim Jensen still weighing heavy on our mind and hearts, haven't we given you lights enough? We live in fear. We've given you a friend. You're really screwing with our internal clocks. Please, pack up your lights and hit the road ... or the skies. The town of King Falls is officially over it.

As you can imagine, with all the stress these UFO's are bringing to town, there's literally only one game in town this weekend for a chance at fun: the makeshift Brony Bounce in Craig Zucker's corn field. We all knew Craig had interesting taste as a kid but apparently he's invited 300 of his closest My Little Pony loving friends to party and watch the skies this weekend.

If you don't know what a Brony is, this reporter surely won't be the one to tell you (it's called Google people, use it) but I definitely will report back on what's sure to be a weekend full of friendship and magic.

Stay safe, King Falls.

#InvestInASleepMask

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Activity at Sir Putts-A-Lott?

By Duff Dillinger

King Falls Gazette Reader C. Higgenbaum writes:

"Since all high and mighty Billy Lawrence is too good to answer phone calls, I thought I'd write in to the Gazette to see if you had noticed all the activity around the decrepit and creepy Sir Putts-A-Lott mini golf course the last few weeks. I feel something is up and I'd just love to take my boys there again some day! Thanks a lot."

Hi C.,

You're not the only one that has noticed a bit of a commotion over at ol' Sir Putts-A-Lott. So we thought we'd give Mr. William Lawrence, owner of the King Falls family favorite, a call and see if he had some good news to tell us. Unfortunately, if you know Mr. Lawrence, good news is not his fortee.

"It really ain't nobody's business what I do with that property. I'm getting up there in age and I'm just tired of going over to Sir Putts-A-Lott every time some kids sneak over and fornicate on the 7th hole." grumbled Mr. Lawrence during our phone conversation.

"I'm a professional. I deserve better. The course deserves better than these damn kiddos jumpin' fences and spraypaintin' and lollygaggin. This course was once a Top Ten "Gotta Play It" in Mini Golf Monthly, it should be put up on a pedestal not collecting bodily fluids, so yeah, I'm selling this son of a bitch and I'm retiring up to Big Pine."

While we don't know who has purchased the land, nor if it will stay in it's current state, we do hope that the sweet memories of our favorite childhood Putt Putt place get to live on. Just hopefully not as another Starbucks, c'mon already!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Fracas at Frickard's Froggery

By Duff Dillinger

Last night, while the King Falls Valentine's Day Dance was in full swing, there was a public disturbance at local restaurant, Granny Frickard's Froggery.

The details are sketchy at best as we weren't able to lockdown any actual eyewitness reports inside the restaurant, however we do know that the Sheriff's Office deployed a deputy around 9:13pm thanks to a tip from local police scanner patron, Roy Higgins.

More as this story develops.

Friday, January 29, 2016

King Falls Public Library Set to reopen West Wing after "Lincoln's Revenge"

By Duff Dillinger

The dust has finally settled, the shelving has been refurbished and the walls have received a fresh coat of paint; it's almost time to reopen the King Falls Public Library's west wing.

Last November, during the filming of the hit television show Mission: Apparition, the King Falls library received a makeover, albeit one it didn't want or was expecting.

"It was sheer pandemonium." Emily Potter, King Falls librarian stated.

"Everything started off fine, but during the interview with Dan & Larry, Ben was hoisted ten feet up into the air and choked until he was turning blue! Honestly if it hadn't been for ... Abraham Lincoln, this story might not have ended as happily as it did."

Speaking with Mayor Grisham over the phone, he wasn't nearly as pleased with the end result as Ms. Potter.

"I wouldn't call spending close to $30,000 a happy ending at all. I think it's sad that King Falls had to use money, previously allocated elsewhere, to pay for what was basically a radio station publicity stunt gone awry. Just another way those chuckleheads at King Falls AM are ruining our happy little town!"

The King Falls Public Library has been on the receiving end of a long line of bad luck the past year, starting with the disappearance of head librarian Lily Kilpatrick in May, to this past November's Lincoln's Revenge, but Ms. Potter sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I'm just so happy to be able to open the west wing again. It's an uphill battle but I really think this will actually help the library's numbers and not hurt. So many kid's ask me about the apparitions of President Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth that I think they'll show up just to investigate themselves! And hopefully read a book or two while they're at it!"

Time will tell whether Lincoln's Revenge and it's new makeover will be helpful or a hindrance but you can judge for yourself this coming Tuesday during the west wing's grand re-opening.

"It'll be a low-key affair." Emily Potter told this reporter with a smile. "While we won't have the pomp and circumstance of one of our King Falls celebrations, we will be forgiving all resident's past due fees up to $15 plus we have a media display of the Mission Apparition episode the Library was featured in, so be sure to stop by!"

We'll definitely be there alongside Emily Potter enjoying the relaxed atmosphere. Hopefully we'll get to see you King Falls residents with young readers as well as delinquent and irresponsible library patrons looking for forgiveness too.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Mayor, Radio Host involved in "Scuffle" at Town Celebration

By Duff Dillinger

Friday afternoon's Best Small Town in America celebration didn't turn out to be quite the walk in the park Mayor Steven Grisham thought it would be.

Seemingly every resident in King Falls made it down to Main Street for the parade and the coronation afterwards in the park. Hosted by King Falls AM late night talk radio hosts Sammy Stevens & Ben Arnold, it was an afternoon destined to bring our mountain town together.

Or was it?

From what The King Falls Gazette gathers, there was a miscommunication between Sammy Stevens, who was set to announce Mayor Grisham to the stage for a speech and the Mayor himself. But that's when things become murky, varying stories from the parties involved don't help to clear up what seemed to be an all-out fight.

Onlookers describe the Mayor taking a swing at the radio DJ and a brawl ensuing, which is corroborated by the fact Steven's broadcast partner, Ben Arnold, commentated the scuffle live on-air.

Meanwhile, Mayor Grisham denies there was a fight at all."There was no scuffle. Apparently Sammy Stevens was trying to warn me of ... something, I don't know, and I saw a bee on his face. I simply tried to swat the bee away from him using everything in my arsenal. Have you ever been stung by a bee? It's terrible. It was probably exacerbated by the fact that I tripped on a loose wooden plank on the Main Street Stage and fell into Stevens with extreme force. Which leads me to an announcement; the King Falls Chamber of Commerce and I have decided to build a completely new stage for next year. It's just another thing to add to the list of the exceptional things I do for such an exceptional city."

When asked about the brawl, that Ben Arnold called play-by play on, Mayor Grisham said: "I can't vouch for anything that happens on that radio station, much less Ben Arnold commentating a 'fight'. There was a bee on Stevens. End of story." said the Mayor via phone interview.

Sammy Stevens has not been reached for comment however we received an email from the owner of King Falls AM, Merv, informing us that Sammy Steven has been suspended, with pay, for the next two weeks worth of broadcasts.

Ben Arnold, co-host of the popular late night talk radio show, stated "I don't know about a bee or however the Mayor's office is trying to spin this. I know he punched my friend in the face while my friend was trying to stand up for this town's interest. That's all I've got to say about it. Stay strong, Sammy. We'll talk to you soon."

As of the writing of this article, while the police did break up the apparent "bee swatting incident" no charges have been filed on either side and business goes on as usual down at City Hall.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The 7th Annual Best Small Town in America is almost upon us!

By Duff Dillinger

The 7th Annual Best Small Town in America is almost upon us!

The Main Street Park came alive today, with scores of workmen and crews putting up the decorations for this Friday's 7th Annual 'Best Small Town in America' coronation.

The excitement in the air is palpable; huge smiles on the faces of all the passersby while friends and neighbors take to the city streets, talking about the biggest block party of the year.

"After the Holiday's, the excitement used to peter out around the Falls, but with King Falls winning this special prize every year from the Chamber of Commerce, it really doesn't seem to fizzle out at all!" exclaimed life-long resident, Frank Perry.

And Frank is right. For the six years that King Falls has been bestowed the distinction, it doesn't seem to slow down. What once was a lull known as January, has picked up since Mayor Steven Grisham has taken power.

Mayor Grisham was quoted saying "Look, it would be real arrogant of me to say that for every year I've been mayor of our wonderful little town, we've been named the best small town in America. It's true, but it would be arrogant. And it certainly isn't all because of me. This town and it's resident's truly are the best America has to offer. But I am pretty proud to say that I helped us on our way."

Local vocal detractor, AM radio host Sammy Stevens, has even stopped trying to take the air out of the pageantry. "I've been in King Falls the better part of a year now and, don't get me wrong, I have my doubts about the veracity of the claim, but King Falls is a very special place. In my own heart and obviously the hearts of the voters ... located right down on Second Street inside the King Falls Chamber of Commerce."

While records are hard to find on past winners of the Best Small Town in America, this reporter has no doubt that King Falls has outshined any other recipient of this award ever, and will continue to bring home the honor for many more years to come.